Forgiveness...

What a crazy and almost daunting word.  Forgiveness.  We all know what it means.  We all know we are supposed to try.  But what happens when years later you still cannot?  No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to, you just can't.  When your heart hurts, it affects everything you do.  It affects the way you look at things.  It can harden your heart.  It can take a normally rational person and bring out the crazy in them. 

Most people have been there.  That time that so and so left you alone when you needed them the most.  The time that jerk-off A made you cry.  That time the friend treated you as if you never mattered.  Let's be honest.  If we were to make a list of the people who have hurt us in the past, that list could be devastating.  Nobody wants to be reminded of those moments.  But they are there.  They have a way of sneaking up on you just when you thought you had forgotten.  And sometimes, if the hurt is big enough, it kicks you in the gut without warning.  I have had those moments more than normal lately.  Maybe it is the fast approaching New Year that makes me reminisce about old times?  Maybe it is the fact that no matter how hard I try, there are some things I just cannot forget.  But the reality is that every time I feel that stab in my gut, it makes me fearful.  Fearful of the future.  Fearful of the realization that no matter how hard I try, I will be hurt again, in someway. 

But I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be that person that is so caught up in myself that I forget to realize that the people who have hurt me, are only human.  They come with their own hurt and their own baggage.  That nobody is perfect.  Mistakes are made.  We cannot always stop them.  So why do we live our lives trying to make others pay for ways they might have wronged us?  Is it because we are too ashamed to admit that we too have failed before.  We too have let someone down.  What if our wrongs were shown on a list to us?  My guess is that most of us would be ashamed of it in someway, I know I would.

So I am going to try harder.  I am going to try to remember that the people that have hurt me are only human.  I am sure many of them never meant to.  I think it is just a part of life.  And the more I think about it the more I am grateful.  Because in those moments there are always blessings.  Honestly, the more you love someone the more power they have to hurt you.  So I am grateful for the love that I had for them.  I wouldn't trade the pain away to forget I knew them.  I wouldn't trade the pain that I felt for the chance to have it never happen.  Everything, good and bad, that has happened in my life has lead me to where I am now.  And ups and downs and everything in between, where I am now is a beautiful thing.  Even in my crappy moments, life is a beautiful thing. 

People change.  I have seen firsthand the healing power of love and compassion.  I have seen people rise to the occasion even when everyone thought they would fail.  My heart aches for those who never get the chance to change.  Life is too short to hold grudges.  Life is too short to keep track of others mistakes.  Life is to short to try to sit on a pedestal and keep others down.  I have been guilty of that too.  Of that nasty little habit of keeping score or pointing the finger at someone else for their mistakes.  I have to let that go.  I have to learn how to turn that anger into something positive. 

I am sure that I will be hurt again in my life.  I love far too many people to think that there won't be times that it won't happen again.  But you know what?  That is ok.  Because the truth is, no matter what, I can only control my actions.  I cannot control what others do or say.  The only thing I can do is live my life with enough love and compassion that hopefully if I do get hurt, I will have enough of the good things in life to get me through.